blue girl

Every day I work...

Is emotionally and physically draining in a way I never could have imagined.
On the days that I work I have a constant headache - probably from the hours of being in negative pressure with a spacesuit on. My face physically aches from the pressure points of wearing a face mask. Changing clothing at work is now common place. I'm an expert at getting a shirt and pants on/off with never touching the outside. My hands are cracked and dry from the endless hand sanitizing. I come home leave my shoes in the garage and toss my clothes in the laundry and go straight to the showers. On particularly busy days I soak in my tub and breath.

With all that said the positive patients are the most rewarding patients I have ever had. They truly need my services and they are so thankful afterwards. They are weak and everyday I have to convince them to get up, to move, to just try until one day they get it and they start trying and then they walk and they say things like "You are the most important part of my day." or "without you I'd probably be dead." I have never seen myself as someone who could change lives. I go in do my job and move on. But right now, these patients, I feel they need me and that makes me feel special. But they are also needy and they take a lot and I need to remember to re-energize so I have something to give the next day for the next person.

As it stand I am only on our positive unit for 2-3 hours/day 4 days a week. I cant imagine what the staff up there a whole shift are going through.

Lastly - Let me know what you do to re-energize?

Fursuit Ballroom?

Prior to the sheltering at home and general lockdown of anything interactive and fun on April 19th My husband and I were set to perform a ballroom dance in our fursuits. I wonder if we will ever get around to performing or get back into dancing together.


Trying to keep hope and stay optimistic...

But I feel like I'm failing.

I live for planning my next big vacation I had just booked the flight and put the deposit on our big adventure when the coronavirus began to make big news. Then it hit America and things shifted. We are suppose to go to Peru late August. I was to walk the Inca trail and see Machu Picchu a childhood dream of mine. Currently Peru is closed down. However Late August is almost 4 months away anything can happen. I can postpone the trip for free but to when? October? Next year? If the country is open and my tour is still going then I see no reason to change anything but I don't know when I'll know if it is open and if I'm going to change things up I need to do it by late July. If you know me well you know I plan my big trips and this 'wait and see' just depresses me.

In other news I will be travelling July 1 heading to Los Angeles to see the family. At least that trip seems final regardless of lock down.

All my convention plans (up to October)are cancelled. All my races turned virtual or postponed/cancelled. Virtual is eh, I enjoy seeing my running buddies and getting that face to face encouragement.

It is like all the joy and happiness has been sucked out of my existence.

Everyone is saying 'nothing will ever be the same' what does this even mean? Nothing is ever the same. Tomorrow can't be today literally every day is different than yesterday.

Easter fun?

I decided to Donn my Bunny ears and tail and run around a 5K around the local park. It was fun. Not many people out but I think I made the few around laugh (from a socially appropriate distance of course).

blue girl

Stressful days

The hardest part is gathering the courage to enter the room. I know my job, I know I'm essential. But regardless of all the precautions taken it is hard to willingly put yourself into a risky situation. Will tomorrow be easier?

15 years...

June 2004 - 15 years ago  I graduated college, I had a fiance, things were planned I thought I knew where life would go bute truely I was at a crossroads and couldn't see the roads ahead. Then a close friend/almost family member commited suicide.  When Celeste died things started to click. I didn't want to live a safe life. I craved the unknown, change, and travel. I needed to see things that weren't on the path I was walking. I needed move and a road I never knew existed began to emerge before me.  I started to embark on a journey to Live - be proud of who I am and what I do, to see things and have stories to tell. I was scared, excited, trepidatious but I had to blindly go forward because where I was I knew would only lead to disappointment.

In 15 years I broke a bone, had back surgery, finished visiting all 50 states, I travelled the entirety of route 66, I walked 500+miles across Spain, I visited 15+ countries, fell in love, got married, bought and sold a house, and bought my current dream house. I have lived so many lives in 15 years.

What is next? More travel? - eventually with the new house cam new responsibilites and less money for now. I was ready for something new a change but what hadn't I tried? About 8 months ago my husband decided he wanted to get into better shape and lose weight. I thought - hey I should lose weight too so we embarked on a completely new adventure changing our diet and regularly  exercising.

For me this wasn't easy - I grew up in an environement of snacking, eating what I wanted and when I wanted, napping or lounging in the hammock after school/work and thinking that walking and definitely running was the worst form of torture I could myself through. I was not athletic in the least..

With some trepidation I started with a ketoesque diet - basically cutting most carbs like bread/pasta and sugar, Being mindful of portion sizes and calories (cutting bread really helps control calories) overall thinking of food in a different way and finding new foods to make me feel satisfied. We joined the YMCA and I discovered something new about myself - I love weight lifting/strength training, that running isn't actually hell (unless it is 75°+ and 80% humidty), I don't miss buns on hamburgers, or rice, or pasta every night and best of all - that this body of mine can do so much and feel so good.

First photo is from 2005 on my first cross country road trip - my move to Ohio. The second photo is from today July 7, 2019                                           

November 2018 just after starting the newest lifestyle changes -

Now - I Bellydance (my troupe performs locally), I Ballroom dance with my husband, I strength train, I run even completed a 5K and have another one scheduled, I am mindful of what I eat but I still enjoy things like popcorn, pasta, ice cream and french toast every once in awhile and usually after I've had a good workout. I make treats sometimes foods and now they are really treats and that makes me feel good. I am LIVING more than I ever have before.

I embrace this current phase in my life and I wouldn't want it be any different - except maybe to have Celeste still around. I thank her for giving me that needed insight and motivation to change to embrace life. I just wish it hadn't have been such a tragic push. Though I've always felt even in the darkest of places you can find the light if you look hard enough.
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Why yes I am. It has actually been a month. We just got back from the honeymoon and it was overall a beautiful time.

The cake was beaustiful. Complete with custom made topper and the chess ieces were made out of chocolate.

The tables were identified with card soldiers

I wore a big dress and twirled about all night

the escort cards were playing cards, and centerpieces were teapots filled with faux flowers

I have a ton of photos and don't even have the professional ones yet.
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60 days

60 days left and then I''ll be married. I am super excited. The importance things are mostly ready.

If you are interested in in reading more about this journey here is the website -